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Head of Secondary
Message from the current Head of Secondary "Over the past few years, I have had the honour of tending to the pastoral and intellectual needs of your lovely children. It occurs to me, then, that you might want to learn a little about my past experiences, my present duties, and my plans for the future of our great school. Given my utter ignorance of the outside world (for I am so busy within College walls), it might surprise you that I was born in the early 50s. In fact, I remember quite clearly the White Mutiny, which occurred during my upbringing in India, where seeing the brown people made me smile. As a youth, the first book I ever purchased, the Kama Sutra, became a long-time companion, accompanying me on trips to and from the colonies. Another favourite was 'How to learn French, in French', a compilation of words such as macaca and noix de coco, ''which I would pore over for hours, thinking about the French. ''In school, I would (and still do) harass people with my ‘jokes’, and at home I would scour the web for porno videos of my steel wool fetish. Your children are well aware of my sinful desires: a thoughtful recent gift from 10B was a full-body scrub at a local hamam. However, even my strongest sexual urges distract me not from my passion for brainpower, development, scholarship, and marksmanship. Indeed, even my ventures in gaming reflect my interests in education: when out hunting small bambi and rabbis, I often find myself thinking deeply about the important things in life like pastoral care, school buses, and toad sexing. Speaking of kindertransport, I once worked at a logistics firm in Constantinople where, observing the endless passing of goods destined for Chinkland and Formosa through a small warehouse in the dying man of Europe, I realised the significant social and environmental implications of nothing whatsoever. One of the Great Church Fathers of the Western Church was Saint Augustine, who said, “But as to the fable that there are Antipodes, that is to say, men on the opposite side of the earth, where the sun rises when it sets to us, men who walk with their feet opposite ours that is on no ground credible”. St Aug's work and my time at the warehouse made me reflect on how important and interesting it is to have effective cummunions where I can shed light, skin, and semen on an ever-growing number of schoolchildren. Longing in my later life for a return to the world of education, I moved to a place with a mountain range which resembles what my teeth looked like before they fell out, where I live in an intimate retirement village called RCL. In 2009 I was diagnosed with Asberger’s, which makes sense when I think back to the single occasion on which I had sex and was rather shaky. I also recently began collecting ivory relics; I now have the horns of almost every murdered elephant in Zanzibar, which I enjoy stroking at night. Or day. I can’t really see anymore. While composing the first draft of this message, I asked mummy (or ‘maan’, as the Indians would call her… and what a wonderful species they are) what career I'd wanted to pursue when I was younger. She told me that I switched from geography teacher, to journalist, to diplomat (I have a friend from the Highlands whose father was an accomplished diplomat/war criminal). I see now that those professions were deeply, ''deeply ''attractive to me because they all catered to my fantasies of imperialistic dominance. Studies in topics such as slavery are what motivated me as a child to become the caring (school) master I am today." -Theodor C. d'Lancam, Head of Secondary